Lessons from Horses

There have been many times as a parent that I have been thankful for the experience and instruction I've had in training horses. Years before my son was born, I told my very tolerant husband that I was glad I had gotten Steele (my favorite horse) as a yearling (one-year-old) and trained him myself before having kids.

Does it sound like I'm reaching for a connection because I like horses? Maybe, but here's why:

Horses mature about 3 "human years" in a calendar year. So when Steele went through the various stages of maturity, they were short enough that I could identify them and not completely loose it before he moved on- good prep for a real kid's longer, more trying stages. I was also able to see the classic up & down of his progress.

Lesson 1: Your child's progress will NOT be a steady climb.
When I began actually riding Steele, he was in his adolescence.  Some days, I would get on and he was gentle, obedient and responsive. Other days, he was pushy and tried to go left just because I said go right.
They will have days when they seem so mature, you are astounded. Rejoice in those days! Do NOT expect that to be the norm! Likewise, if your child has a day or week when they are behaving very immature or disobedient, take heart, it will not last. Do not judge your child's behavior today by his behavior yesterday.

Lesson 2: They need a fresh start every day.
If I tried to work with Steele while I was brimming with frustration from the day before, there was no way it would be a good session.  My body language would tell him that something was wrong which would make him nervous and not respond the way I wanted him to when I gave cues.  Also, since I was still thinking of another session, my full attention would not be on him at the moment and I could miss cues he was giving me (like that I was making him nervous).

Lesson 3: Keeping their brains busy or occupied with good stuff keeps them from coming up with stuff you don't want them to do.
Steele was constantly mentally ahead of where his physical development was.  If I continued repeating the exercises that he had already mastered, he began to be disobedient just because he was bored.  Since his joints were not ready for the more strenuous next step in training, I had to be creative in coming up with new exercises at the same physical level.
Similarly, my very smart son gets bored at school and we are going to have to come up with some things to keep him occupied so he doesn't get into trouble entertaining himself.

Lesson 4: Use the minimum amount of pressure needed to get the desired result.
I teach my students "ask, tell, make."  If you squeeze lightly (ask him to go) and the horse goes, you don't ever have to kick.  If he does not go, squeeze hard (tell him to go). If he still does not go, you kick him or use a crop and MAKE him go. If you do not, you are teaching him to ignore your signals. One good kick that makes him go is better than 10 kicks that don't. On the other side, if you start out with kicks and crops, he will never get a chance to go on less than that. In fact, he can become so used to it that more and more strenuous urging is required to make him go.
The same is true of children. If you start out w/yelling and spanking, how will they learn to obey on less than that? Ask them to do it- give them a chance to do what's right. They'll see you trust them to do the right thing instead of assuming they won't. I give mine one more chance before I start leveling consequences. However, if they do not do what you ask, you need to be prepared to follow through on any consequences that you tell them will occur.
FYI - I don't have to kick any of my horses. They have all learned that they can avoid it by going when I squeeze lightly.

Lesson 5: The more time you spend being affectionate with them, the more they will trust you and be willing to work with you.
Steele is now almost fourteen. Over the years, I have made sure to spend some time just rubbing his neck and hanging out with him while he grazed or grooming him without working him.  He knows that he is safe when he is with me. He has learned to trust me to the point that we can go through obstacles used for training police horses and go to strange places and he stays calm. 
If you spend time being affectionate with your kids and showing them they are safe and loved, they will respond better to instruction/correction and be more willing to talk to you about important things. Don't think that sitting on the couch cuddling can wait because you have housework to do. The housework can wait. Your kids can't.