Learning to Let Go

Letting go is not easy. We all want to hold on to what we feel is ours or what we like for as long as we can. But sometimes, even the things we like are not good for us. Dessert, anyone?

I had written a post some time ago about how even good things can be hindrances because they take up the time and space and finances that could be used for something even better. We did a pretty good job of clearing out a lot of "stuff" from our house. My son J struggled with this. He is a natural pack rat and sees everything, and I mean EVERY THING as somehow useful. Of course since then, we have had birthdays and Christmas, which automatically add back into the hoard. Time to clear out and organize again.

This time there is an added element for me. I did really well clearing stuff out of the house. I don't really care about too many of the things in the house. If it's not useful or really adding something to the decor, it can go.

This time, however, I had to make the decision to get rid of some of the stuff in the barn. Horses. Those hay-burning, fence-breaking, grain-gobbling, wonderful beasts that give me comfort when I am stressed, that carry me into other worlds and allow me to fly when I am their passenger, that listen and let me lean on them when no one else wants to hear what I have to say. Those.

I have gone back and forth on this decision so many times. I have even put a couple up for sale before but the market was not good and I got a delay. But now. Now, as the market improves. Now, when I am no longer teaching lessons. Now, as I am trying in all areas to be a better steward of all the things God has given into my care. Now, as we analyze our finances and time with three kids and homeschooling. Now, we Must sell some. And that was only half of the decision.

So now, as I look at our horses and their usefulness to us (and TRY to keep my emotions out of it), I have made a couple of easy decisions and a very difficult one.

Luckily for me, Steele, my first horse love, my horse it took me 18 years to get, is also super safe for kids and trails, so I get to keep him. Honestly, it would take having to make a choice between him and my husband or house for me to even consider selling him. He is my very special some pony! Super Easy!

Danny was an easy one. He is the perfect size for kids, but your classic obstinate pony with attitude. He never cared for working in the ring. He wants to be a trail horse and I just don't have that kind of property and we don't go anywhere often enough. He needs a family that would do that. Easy.

Dance, who was older and not blending in to the rest of the herd, would be happier somewhere with a horse that Needed a buddy and wouldn't reject her. Easy.

The other one I decided to keep is Flash. He is Sky's little brother and my trouble-maker. He has figured out more than once how to let everybody out when he didn't feel like staying in the pasture. But. But he is gentle, willing to please, smart and not afraid. He has a ways to go in his training (because of his lax owner), but he is safe. Even when he gets nervous, he listens to direction and THAT's what I want in a horse for my kids. Easy.

Then there are these two:
Sky, who is one of the most beautiful, athletic and intelligent animals I have ever worked with, who I watched being born, needs someone who can make use of her endless energy and can answer the challenge of her rider's worthiness to be in charge.

Slate, who was so shy when I bought him that I could only get him into the barn because he would follow Sky and now will come and rest his head against my chest for comfort. One of the sweetest horses I have ever known but is too sensitive to his rider for me to put kids on. Oh, if only I could keep him for myself! But we have set a limit and there were reasons for that.

How do I choose? They both have specific issues and need an experienced rider. I can ride them but they will take some work to be useful for the kids. Slate has my heart but Sky would probably do better for the kids in the long run. I was VERY apprehensive about whether anyone would be good enough for Slate. He is SO sensitive and gets nervous and unsure of himself. He really needed someone who would reassure him, handle him gently, ride quietly and make him feel safe. Whichever one we keep will be my ride as Steele gets older and needs to be retired to smaller riders. Hard!

I decided to put them both up for sale and trust God to find the right person for one of them and help me develop the one that stayed.

And God came through! As he always does. I got absolutely NO responses to the ad on Sky. I got several for Slate, but I wanted to hold on to him. He needed me. And then...and then an email from "K"...
Something told me this girl was Slate's match. Something told me he would feel safe and happy with her. When she came to look at him, it was instant. He was watching her, moving toward her, trusting her. She got on and within 5 minutes, he had relaxed, accepting her, trusting her. I knew I had to let him go. God had something better in mind than my selfish desire to cling to him. Now, I get pictures of Slate and K, his person. He is clearly happy and loved. I am at peace.

How many times does it take for us to learn to trust God?

I think God had me let go of Slate for this very reason; to remind me that he already has a handle on it. Even the things we are Most worried about. God has already got it figured it out but we have to let it go and trust him to take care of it. Now if I can just hold on to this lesson and translate it into the other parts of my life.

Being a Mom-Boss

I have always been independent. That's why I'm an entrepreneur; not so I could be someone else's boss, but so I could be My boss...and do things the way I wanted them...and not have someone else judge my work.

Then I became a parent. You know what? Amazingly, kids make really bad employees! Even when they do begrudgingly do the task I've given them, they rarely ever do it the way I would like for the chore to be done. I mean, how is a room with toys and clothes on the floor clean? Do they not see the stuff on the floor? Do they think I don't see it?

I started just doing the tasks myself. It was easier and faster to do it myself than the demanding, cajoling, rationalizing, threatening, bribing and yelling it took to get my kids to clean up their own messes. Plus, once the job was done, it was done well. So I kept doing... and doing... and doing. Until there was a problem. Several, actually.

What happens when we do everything for our kids?

1. I was exhausted. All. The. Time. There were just not enough hours in the day to take care of all of my chores and theirs unless I have absolutely no additional time commitments like a husband, for instance, or a job, church, friends, school functions/commitees or homeschooling, etc. And what was that other thing people do called? Shlep? sloop? Oh, right; sleep!

2. Since I was exhausted and spending all of my time with my kids being frustrated, I turned into Mrs. Crankypants and was no fun at all. Or so I've been told. Seriously. It's difficult to be patient or fun when all you can think about while you are with them is that they are dumping out all the toys you just spent an hour picking up.

3. I eventually became so tired and overwhelmed that I gave up. It did get us out of that frantic mode, but then I was embarrassed to have friends over, I couldn't relax because everywhere I looked was something that needed to be done and we wasted time and money looking for or replacing items we couldn't find. My poor husband. He got to come home from working all day to a messy house, a stressed out family and usually fast food for dinner. Can we say NOT a good situation?

And the big one

4. The kids began to think that everything would always be taken care of for them. They began to make less and less effort to take care of things themselves thus creating more and more mess for me to clean up. This also led to bad attitude as they began to see me as their servant rather than their boss. 

Not that my kids are my servants but I am definitely not theirs. 

How did this happen?

Like so many others before us, we started out with good intentions. There are plenty of resources out there for chore charts and reward systems. Our problem was not chore charts, allowance or anything like that. Our problem was me. 

When I had a commitment to other people, whether it was school, church, friends or clients, I was "on it". I knew what needed to be done, made a plan and followed through. People knew they could count on me. It was great! It was easy! It was in small increments. Each task had a set goal and duration.

My commitment to my home and family was different. It had many, many more goals, complications (especially when the other people involved were not only Not helping but undoing the work I had already done!), and a much longer time frame. And I didn't get to take weekends off!

At home, I was disorganized and quickly became overwhelmed. Rather than planning ahead and making a schedule, we were living by "what Has to be done Right Now". There was no time for sitting and thinking through what we were doing. I was not giving clear directions or consistent consequences to my kids.

I would tell J to do a task and then, instead of overseeing it, I would be busy with my own. Inevitably, when I came to see the results, he would have gotten distracted and not finished and then I would be frustrated because we had to leave to get to an activity. We would leave with both of us frustrated and the task still incomplete. Sound familiar?

I couldn't discipline effectively because I was so busy trying to catch up on the chaos that I would not notice that B wasn't doing what I asked her to do for a while or forget that J had lost screens for that day. More and more things began to be left undone. I started just doing what needed to be done myself in order to half way keep up. And thus began the spiral. 

So how do we fix it?

As you can see, there were several issues at work here, so I needed a plan with several steps and facets. 

The biggest issue to me was not the messy house but the attitude. 

We had talked to J before about us all working together as a family to take care of the house but it was overshadowed by the frustration we were stuck in. Nothing changed. So we needed to make sure this time would be different.

The first thing I did was that I stopped doing stuff for them. Cold turkey. If it was something that child could do, he or she needed to be the one to do it. I would only help when they really needed it. I told J (who was really the only one old enough to understand) that we were all going to start being RESPONSIBLE for our own things, messes and activities. I made it clear that it was not my job to pick up his dirty clothes or dishes or remember to get his lunch for class.

Then we started working on their attitude towards us, especially J since he's older. With B, she is only 3, so she corrects pretty easily. J is 8 and more strong-willed, so we started something similar to a swear jar except it was for talking back or being disrespectful. 

One of the other things that I realized as I thought about it was that J still needed help breaking larger projects down into smaller ones, which played into his seeming inability to clean the mess in his room. A check list of specific items or categories of items has helped him know where to start. I have also noticed that he stays on task better if I am there with him so he has someone to chit chat with. I am working on how to do that while still being productive myself.

The next thing to work on was me. I had to be honest about my part in creating the situation I was so frustrated with. My lack of planning and organization at home had played a huge part in all of this! I had done a much better job for others than I had for my own family. Ouch! I needed to be RESPONSIBLE for my role as a teacher and role model even more than J needed to be responsible for picking up after himself.

Update: I wrote this several years ago. J is now turning 11, B is 6 and we have another 3 year old. Some of these issues are still at play (we so easily revert back to old habits) but I do have to say that the kids are more willing to help now. Their attitude, which is the most important aspect of this to me, has gotten much better. Of course, I still get side tracked and need to remind myself to take the time to sit down and plan, but I AM getting better. The kids still naturally just leave their stuff sitting wherever they used it. I have to "make" them go back and pick it up, but we are making progress. I will update more in my next post.