A Little Sugar

You know that old expression that "you catch more flies with sugar than vinegar"?  Well, I guess for my son, discipline is vinegar and praise is sugar.  After a couple of difficult months at school where he and the staff were both becoming frustrated, I realized that the more they tried to "crack down" on him, the worse his attitude became and the more trouble he had.  What do you do?

I thought back over his childhood.  What was his basic, driving personality?  What would make him "straighten up"? None of the things he had done were malicious, but there were some issues with respect/obedience for adults.

The long and short of it was that we have a smart kid who is done and ready to move on while others are still working and the teacher is helping those students.  Enter boredom.  We also have a VERY kinesthetic child who cannot sit still for more than five minutes.  Enter excess energy.  We also just happen to have an extroverted kid who wants to have someone paying attention to him at ALL times.  Enter silly behavior to get attention.  And just to make it interesting, he is also very Strong willed.  Enter willingness to take the consequences to get some attention.

As author Cynthia Tobias said of herself (another strong-willed child), "I don't have a problem with authority.  I have a problem with how it's presented."  She then explained that, if you come at her pointing your finger in her face, she will defy you just to prove that you are NOT the boss of her. However, if you come to her in a manner that asks her to work with you, she'll most likely do it.
Now how do we translate this to school?

I knew that we were at a cross-roads.
I knew that if he continued to recieve mostly negative attention, there was the distinct possibility that he would quit trying to be good.  I had a friend that did that. He told me one day that everyone had already decided he was "the bad seed" and he was tired of trying to prove that he wasn't.  I didn't want that to happen to J.
I also knew how hard he would try if he really thought he could get your honest approval.  I had seen it before.  When you acknowledge something good or helpful that he does (especially without being asked), he starts doing more things to try to get that "atta-boy" again (remember the extrovert part?). That sounded like a much better way to go.

So I talked to the principle and teacher and they are trying to make more of an effort to recognize when he has done something good.  And you know what happened?
The first day, the teacher sent home a note about a good choice he made. Did that have any effect on him?

It is amazing. From that simple change, we have gotten not one, but TWO weeks of good attitude and good, even helpful, behavior both at school and at home.  All he needed was a chance to believe that we saw the good in him. 

 Did I mention silly & extroverted?

If you know someone who has been struggling with a bad attitude or behavior, try finding just ONE good thing that you can take notice of and see if they don't start adding more.
And no matter how frustrating your kids can be (I understand!) make sure that they know that, not only do you love them, but you CHOOSE them over any other kid.  Watch the effect that THAT has on them!