A Good "Waste" of Time

You may have noticed that I have not blogged much, ok any, in the last year. I actually had a really good reason for that.

You see, one of my main goals was to be there for my kids and make sure that they were getting enough time and attention.  Between trying to catch up on all of the house stuff that had gotten behind during my pregnancy and following knee surgery (I was basically out of commission for over a year), it seemed like I was always telling them to wait just a minute or until I finished X and rarely had time to play. So I made a commitment to change that.

I pretended it didn't bother me that everything stayed behind. I took the time not only to be with my kids but to "study" them as well. I want to make sure that we really understand the core personality of each child so that we can develop methods of discipline, reward, teaching and loving that reach them best.

The results have been amazing!

My son J in particular, who is very extroverted, really needs that social connection.  If he feels like no one is paying any attention to him, he will do something to GET your attention, regardless of the consequences. He is also a strong willed child, so he's willing to take some pretty tough consequences just so long as he did the thing he set out to do.  Interestingly, he's also emotionally sensitive, so if he's having an SWC  (String Willed Child) day, which means discipline, he also can start to feel hurt by our getting on his case. That's usually when he starts with the attitude stuff (which is my "you will NOT" stuff).

I have learned that, if I start his day with some cuddles and "I love you"s, he is much more likely to have a positive spin on his day. I've also learned that, since we're both extroverted (read LOUD) and emotional, I have to make sure that I am being matter of fact and not upset when administering consequences or we both end up getting upset.

One key thing I learned about doing that was something I heard from Cynthia Tobias in an interview on Focus on the Family. She said strong willed kids need "more tickets (consequences) and less lectures". The more we lecture, the more they tune out and the more upset we become until we are reacting disproportionately to what the actual offense was. Also, for strong willed kids, they need to know that there ARE consequences and if all you do is lecture, there are never any consequences.

The other thing that I learned was that if I set the consequence in motion after the second chance rather than the fifty-second, it was a lot easier for me to be calm and matter of fact about it!

So far my daughter, B does not seem so highly affected by these things, but then she automatically gets a little extra cuddle time, etc because she is younger and a little girl (which apparently makes everyone want to hold her). She has a strong willed side too, so we'll have to see how that plays out as she gets older.

One thing I have tried to do with both kids is take some time when we get home from picking J up from school is to be available to play. I aim for an hour. Time outside, weather permitting, where they can run and scream (They like to scream. Apparently we're the loud family) and play. And then, when we have to go back inside, I try to either get them to play where I'm working (like if I have to do dishes in the kitchen) or take what I'm working on to where J is playing (because B will go wherever we are). That way, even though I'm not actively playing anymore, I'm there if one of them has a "watch this mom" moment.

Now, with all of that said, it has not been a perfect road by any means. There have been Lots of days when one or all of us has not done or responded the way we should have. However, we are on a much better path now than we were a year ago and, since who these kids are inside is more important to me than anything on the outside (or the inside of my house), it was a year well wasted.

And I even managed to make some headway on the house. But I'll post more about that later.